


A Piece of You

by Spring_Haze



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BBC Writer's Retreat, Domestic, Engaged, England - Freeform, Established Relationship, Florida, Fluff, Fondness, Friendship, Holiday, Humor, Innuendo, Life Partners, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Separation Anxiety, Soulmates, Texting, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 13:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19335901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spring_Haze/pseuds/Spring_Haze
Summary: When Dan travels to the English countryside to participate in the BBC's Writer's Retreat, he and Phil do everything that they can to stay connected, despite the miles between them.This fic is based on the BBC's Writer's Retreat that Dan attended in May 2019.





	A Piece of You

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They weren’t supposed to be on two separate continents ever again.

 

The BBC had extended its invitation to Dan well after Phil purchased the plane tickets that would take them to America for their annual Florida holiday. At first, Dan felt guilty for even entertaining the idea. Still, it was a unique opportunity to learn new skills and to sharpen the ones that he already possessed.

 

“Phil, I’m forwarding you an email I got from the BBC. I need your opinion, Babe.” He mentioned it casually one day while they were preparing to chop veggies for fajita night. Dan held two papery purple shallots in one hand, and a vibrant green pepper in the other. 

 

“Oh yeah? What’s it about?” Phil fumbled for the strings of Dan’s apron, tying them together in a half-assed bow.

 

Dan winced. Phil couldn’t be bothered to check his own email, and while it was entirely possible that a matching invitation awaited him, it was also entirely possible that it wasn’t. Long gone were the days of jealously and hurt feelings when one had an opportunity that did not include the other, however, both men would be lying if they denied a pang of guilt when they found themselves on the receiving end of one. It was a potentially hurtful situation, depending on the day, but overall the couple did exceedingly well with expressing genuine love and support for his partner. In this case, Dan felt badly for being invited because it had been Phil, not he, who had maintained his personal YouTube channel, yet _he_ was with the message sitting in _his_ inbox. Perhaps it was a nudge, Dan reasoned.

 

“Some writer’s retreat,” Dan shrugged, turning around to meet his fiancé’s face. Phil tipped his head to the right with curiosity, his lips curling into a perfect smile.

 

“Really? That sounds interesting; you want to go?” Phil placed his hands over Dan’s biceps and pulled their bodies a little closer together.

 

“Maybe. I don’t know yet.” Dan was feeling indecisive and needed Phil’s opinion. “The timing isn’t great.”

 

“When and where?” Phil kissed his forehead. He knew that Dan wanted to go but struggled with the usual monsters: did he deserve it, did the benefits outweigh the plethora of anxiety-producing situations and circumstances that came with travel, would he be leaving Phil behind…

 

“East Sussex, May 7, 8, 9, and 10.” Dan made a scrunchy face that was both adorable and indicative of his disappointment.

 

“Oh.” Phil’s mouth lingered in a tiny “o” shape. “Holiday time.”

 

“Yeah.” Dan rolled his eyes and lay his head gently on Phil’s shoulder. “So, that’s out.”

 

Phil knew that this would be good for his partner. Dan had been working independently for months, writing and creating day after day in the privacy of their own home. It would be really good for him to break up the monotony of his routine and attend a retreat. The timing was poor to be sure, but it wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker.

 

“It doesn’t have to be out you know,” Phil settled his chin in Dan’s soft curls and grinned. “I mean, if you really wanted to go, Dan, I could change your ticket.”

 

Dan pulled back and looked at his partner with a mix of confusion and excitement.

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“I knew it,” he smiled. “You want this; you _need_ this. I can keep my flight out on the 8th and move yours to the 11th. You can fly out from Sussex, Babe, you know, meet us in Florida. It doesn’t have to be an either-or situation.”

 

Dan thought about it. While he didn’t exactly like the idea of flying separately, or separation in general, Phil did make excellent points. Both were possible, and he loved that his fiancé, who was normally a bit more rigid, was so willing to make a compromise for him on such short notice. He smiled and even blushed a little; why hadn’t he considered this before?

 

“Well?” Phil kissed Dan’s cheek. “Say yes?”

 

“You’re really okay with this?”

 

“Absolutely. You know that I support you one hundred percent. This will be good for you, and I know damn well that you wouldn’t make the decision for yourself. Yes, you deserve to be there. Yes, it will be worth it. No, my feelings are not hurt, and yes, this is good for you.”

 

“I love you so much,” Dan buried his face in Phil’s neck and giggled. “And thank you … for everything.”

 

“I love you too, and you’re welcome. Now tell me more about this retreat while you cook me dinner.” Phil laughed.

 

“I suppose I owe you, now don’t I?” Dan giggled, retrieving the shallots from the countertop and rolling them in between his palms; they made a satisfying

crinkling sound.

 

“Stop, you owe me nothing. You know we don’t keep score.” Phil was being serious. He loved Dan more than anything.

 

“Never say no to a little appreciation, if you know what I mean, _Philip_.” Dan winked and wiggled his hips as he turned to face the cutting board.

 

* * *

 

The train to East Sussex was an early one. Dan and Phil said their goodbyes at home, just after breakfast. Separation was never easy, even if for just a few days. It was one thing for one of them to be home while the other was away, because at least they were in the same country, under the same slice of sky, and in the same time zone. In this case, they would be on completely different continents and traveling separately. Neither man was willing to admit his level of anxiousness, not yet anyhow.

 

“Kiss me again, you know, in case I forget the way you taste.” Dan giggled, tipping his head slightly to the right and closing his eyes. Phil obliged, savoring every moment that their lips were connected.

 

“Unlikely,” Phil whispered, smiling sleepily. “Friday. I’ll see you on Friday.” He sighed, doing his very best to keep his tears at bay, at least until Dan left the apartment. He would wait until he was absolutely certain that his fiancé was in the car and on his way to the station before hugging the pillow that smelled of him and letting it absorb his salty tears.

 

Sometimes Phil wished that they never had to separate. He knew, as they both did, that a little time apart was healthy in a relationship. They had an incredibly-strong bond that held everything together; it was the kind that need not be tested. They weren’t the kind of couple that really required distance to accomplish appreciation for the other. In fact, if they needed time to think or create, retreating to separate rooms within their own home usually sufficed. Phil didn’t exactly subscribe to the “make-them-miss-you” nonsense that their friends often chided. Dan, who didn’t see any real reason to practice such a thing, agreed wholeheartedly.

 

“Friday,” Dan whispered back with a sad smile. “I’ll miss you so much. I will text you when I get to the station and again when I’m on the rails.”

 

“Good,” Phil managed a similar smile, despite the tingling sensation behind his eyes. He had just put in his contacts, and he decided that he could always blame the tears on irritation, should they come too soon. “And I’ll miss you too … already do to be honest.”

 

They both smiled and hugged. It was a warm, loving, lingering hug that made them both wish that this wasn’t really happening.

 

“It will be so weird staying in a new place without you,” Dan said. “What if the estate is totally creepy, and I have to sleep with all of the lights on like a baby?”

 

Phil laughed, and Dan did too. It was a funny image: a fully-grown man refusing to sleep without four corners of light and a television.

 

“Hazel will be there,” Phil reminded, “maybe you can hang out in her room until bedtime and then go into yours and call me. I will stay up with you until you get sleepy, yeah?”

 

“Just like you used to? When you were up North, and I was in Reading?” Dan smiled fondly at the memory. Their trouble with separation began ten years ago, and it was by the grace of modern technology that they remained as connected as possible despite the kilometers between them.

 

“Yep,” Phil smiled boastfully, “just like that.”

 

Dan sighed and put his right hand over his chest, patting his heart gently. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, now we’d better start watching for your car. You don’t want to miss a thing.” Phil hoped that it would arrive soon, because the tears weren’t going to wait much longer.

 

* * *

 

For Dan, the hardest part about accepting the BBC’s generous offer was that it had not included Phil. He often struggled with accepting projects and invitations that were not extended to his partner as well. It wasn’t that he expected everything to be shared, they were, after all, separate people. He certainly didn’t feel resentment when it was Phil’s turn; this was more about Phil being overlooked. Dan felt like it happened far too often. Though his fiancé promised that he held no hurt feelings or disappointment, he still held plenty of his own on Phil’s behalf.

 

Dan wondered how he would deal with the dreaded social interaction at the retreat. These situations were always easier with Phil by his side. Depending on the day, it could come naturally and even feel welcome, or it could feel like something that he would have to force himself to do. Sometimes, when it was forced, he felt like an actor who was merely playing a part. It felt disingenuous, and that bothered him too. It was an all-around sickening situation.

 

“I want to be real with people,” he once said to Phil. “I just want to be me and live an authentic life, but that means disappearing from time to time for no particular reason at all, and I don’t think people can handle that about me. They say that they want me to be happy and live my truth, but then they make me feel guilty when I do. It’s a circle Phil, and I am tired to be honest.”

 

“I know, Love.” Phil hung his head between his shoulders for a moment, looking and feeling defeated. Then, he lifted himself and turned to look at Dan. “Fuck it. Fuck the lot of them. See what happens. The ones who mean it will stick around and the ones who don’t will fall out, and they don’t matter anyway, yeah?” Their eyes met, there was an understanding between them, and a silent promise from Dan to forge ahead as himself.

 

And that was the end of that. There was one more loving reminder, but for the most part, it had been settled.

 

“You can do this, Dan,” Phil had said the night before. “You can talk to anyone about anything. You are a natural speaker, and people listen when you talk. Just be yourself, and if you want space, don’t be afraid to ask for it. It’s okay to need a break.”

 

It was loving, reassuring, and true. Phil always knew what to say and when to say it. He knew when to listen and when to stay silent. He knew when to leave Dan to his blanket and his games, and he knew when to leave a little room in his lap too.

Dan watched the English countryside roll by as he listened to music, sometimes making eye contact with his own reflection. He almost grinned when he realized that it didn’t bother him like it used to.

 

To: Phil

 

On the rails. I’ve got a prime seat. There is only one other passenger in my line of vision and he’s at least 90. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know who I am, and if he does, he doesn’t give a fuck. Miss your face.

 

Sent

 

Reply from Phil:

 

90? If he is that old, he probably only knows Amazing Phil. Maybe he will fall asleep like that lady did when we were coming back from Manchester over the new year. Remember her? We thought that she was going to need a full exorcism with that snore. Glad you’ve got a prime seat. I picked it because I know that you like to have the window. Miss your everything.

 

Sent

 

 

Reply from Dan:

 

Cackling … I totally forgot about her. Maybe I should have brought Holy Water just in case. I only have a bottle of Fuji. It’s probably the same thing to be honest. Maybe that’s why this shit’s so expensive.

 

Don’t forget to pack the sun cream. You went full lobster in like 15 minutes last year. Also, remember not to wear your white swim shorts in front of your mum or her friend, Nancy. You can totally see your cock when they get wet.

 

Sent

 

Reply from Phil:

 

Don’t worry, I won’t forget the sun cream or the suit thing. I don’t know what I was thinking ordering white. Maybe I thought I would look less pale? Nancy, has cataracts in both eyes now by the way.

 

I’m eating pancakes for dinner, but the frozen kind. I know how much you hate them, so I will eat them myself.  My taste buds are so ready for that sweet, sugary, syrupy goodness of IHOP. Were getting it on Friday night so be ready.

 

Sent

 

Dan smiled. Phil loved the sickening mess of American pancakes. It made his stomach turn, all that sugar. He kind of loved that Phil insisted on it though. It was an adorable thing, to require dessert for breakfast. The man was a child. He thought about how Phil was probably still going to forget the sun cream and his warning about the swim shorts. In fact, he would most likely find himself in the very awkward position of thanking the stars for Nancy’s bleary eyeballs.

 

* * *

 

Phil didn’t know how he would sleep an entire night in their home without Dan by his side. The bed felt far too empty, and so he did what his partner often did when he was away and set up on the sofa. It was almost fun for a while, and his setup all too closely resembled ten-year-old Phil’s blanket-and-pillow fort. All he could think about is how much Dan would love it.

 

To: Dan

 

Check it out my fortress. Turns out Fortnite is best played in an actual fort. Are you jealous?

 

Sent

 

Reply from Dan:

 

That is absolutely ridiculous. I love it, and I love you. Idiot.

 

Sent

 

Phil smiled. He only called him an idiot when he was feeling more fondness that his heart could handle. He imagined Dan growing impatient on the train, needing to stretch his legs and see the estate.

 

Reply from Phil:

 

I will overlook the idiot reference because I know that you love me. How much longer?

 

Sent

 

Reply from Dan:

 

Maps says less than fifteen minutes. I’m getting nervous, Phil.

 

Sent

 

Reply from Phil:

 

Pretend that I’m there with you, just a few steps behind you always. You will be great, and I know you will have a good time. Send me pics so I can look for ghosts in the windows.

 

I love you.

 

Sent

 

* * *

 

Phil was right: he was having a good time. There were three other man and six women, including Hazel. Dan had been the last to arrive. He felt like all eyes were on him the moment that he walked through the front door, but Hazel greeted him personally and assured him that not everyone was focusing on him.

 

“I’ve only just met them myself,” Hazel said. “Everyone seems really nice. Oh, and get this, the one guy, Tom, has a partner at home. Maybe you two can be sappy together.” Normally this would have irritated Dan, but he could tell that his friend was only trying to make him laugh.

 

“Yeah, but I bet I can out-sap anyone right about now,” Dan mumbled, slipping his phone into his back pocket. Hazel pouted.

 

“Already? Really, Dan?”

 

“Maybe,” he grinned. “Oh, and Hazel? I don’t know if anyone will be vlogging here, but I don’t really want to be filmed, or photographed for that matter. I don’t know how to say it without coming across as a weird asshole.”

 

“Okay, well, maybe just say it like that. Everyone seems really cool. Any reason why?”

 

Dan knew that it was a strange request. He supposed it didn’t make much sense, and he didn’t really know how to articulate his reasons to Phil, let alone someone else.

 

“Would you be really annoyed if I told you that I don’t know why?” He huffed a tiny laugh through his nose and grinned sheepishly. He hoped that Hazel would understand. Phil understood; Phil always understood him.

 

Hazel smiled. “Annoyed? No. Confused? Maybe. It’s okay, Dan,” she assured him. “Just want to lay low for a while?”

 

Dan nodded. There was more to it of course, but he didn’t feel the need to elaborate. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his friend, but he had just arrived and knew that it was time to introduce himself to the other guests. He hoped that maybe Hazel would get him started.

 

She did.

 

Dan didn’t know why it felt so good to hide. He felt a twinge of guilt for pulling back at first, but Phil reminded him that taking time off was a form of self care, and that he should never feel guilty about doing something for himself. That was back in January. It was May now, and he never expected to be doing so well without the pressure of social media content. To be fair, the pressure still existed, it was Dan’s response that was different. He knew that it was there, and he while he didn’t like the idea of disappointing his audience, he did like the idea of a more private life.

 

There had been so many allusions to their romantic partnership over the years, and especially during the tour. While they had not confirmed it, they certainly had not outright denied it. Phil thought that it was an obvious thing, that they had confirmed it in their own way, but Dan disagreed.

 

“Don’t you read Twitter, Babe? There are plenty of people who say that we are just friends.”

 

“Really? People are thicker than I thought,” he laughed, shaking his head in disbelief.

 

“Well, to be fair, some of them know but deny it because they think it will offend us in some way. They know that we want privacy. It’s pretty sweet actually.”

 

Phil agreed, nodding his head and returning to the pages of his novel.

 

Dan hated announcements. They were so awkward, and there was always drama that branched out in unexpected directions. There were hashtags, and trends, and reaction videos, and he couldn’t stomach their relationship being reduced to a ridiculous social media cycle. It was too real and too sacred to be so easily accessible. Besides, people seemed to enjoy the speculation of a long-term, romantic partnership between them. Dan understood that people looked for clues that they were together, and he knew that it would be this way until they confirmed it. Then, as if it were some sick twist of human nature, the tide would turn, and people would start looking for clues that it was falling apart.

 

He suspected that if he were to be filmed or photographed in England, at the writer’s retreat, while Phil was vacationing in America, that two things would happen: people would suspect a crack in their relationship and exploit them for it, and people would expect Dan to produce a book, a video, a project that didn’t exist. He imagined everything from, “they aren’t together anymore” to “they aren’t even friends anymore; it’s all over.” Reading these things, however untrue they may be, was considerably and understandably less pleasant that reading about how they were still being supported during their hiatus, and it seemed that these sentiments were becoming few and far between. There was a psychological aspect to reading negative theories that had them separated, even though they were living the truth. It was yet another pitfall of social media, and he had been warned against this.

 

Phil, of course, understood exactly from where Dan was coming. He feared the same things.

 

“Baby, do what feels right, and say no to everything that doesn’t.”

 

Dan smiled. Everything that Phil said was thoughtful.

 

“What should I do about Florida, Dan?”

 

“I think you should do what feels right, Babe. Post if you want to, yeah?” Dan smiled.

 

“Well, yeah, but people expect us to be together, and if you are worried about negative theories … “

 

Dan thought for a moment; Phil had a good point. He resented that there was so much to think about. It shouldn’t be so hard. They should be able to post what they wanted when they wanted without having their relationship scrutinized and attacked. He knew in his heart that most people would be happy, excited, and supportive, but he also knew that those who were not lurked in dark corners at all hours, just waiting for a weak-looking spot. These were the people that kept them quiet and retreating completely from time to time.

 

“As much as I would love to show this world how much we love each other, I don’t think it’s time. People will talk no matter what we post or don’t post, Phil. If we take a photo together and you post it? We are suddenly getting married on the beach. If you post a photo without me, then we have gone our separate ways; we can’t win. Share what you want to Babe, but you and me? That’s for us. I’m not ready to be filmed or photographed, like at all.”

 

Phil understood. He hugged Dan, rubbing his lips against his cheek. “Okay, Baby, okay.”

 

So, it had been decided that Phil would make his posts from Florida as if Dan wasn’t actually meeting him and his parents at the end of the week, and Dan would request privacy at the retreat. It almost worked.

 

* * *

 

To Phil:

 

Hey Babe, I finally got a moment alone. Everyone seems really nice. The house is amazing. I know that you’d love it. I wish you were here. I’ll send you a photo as soon as I can get back outside. Everyone is talking about ordering pizza for dinner, and it made me think of you. What are you having? I miss you.

 

Sent

 

Reply from Phil:

 

I miss you too. I am eating frozen pancakes, remember? You were right, they do suck. I ate way too many, and now I feel sick. I can’t wait to see the house. Have you seen your room yet? I hope I don’t have my usual American customs nightmare tonight.

 

Sent

 

Reply from Dan:

 

So, you regretti the spaghetti? You oaf. I suppose you are playing Fortnite too. If I were home, I would rub your tummy and lecture you on portion control. Then I would kiss you, but you would be too full to do anything else.

 

Yes, my room is amazing. It is surprisingly big. It faces the garden and even has an en suite. The wallpaper is a bit tacky, but the wood floors are beautiful, and the bedding is on point. It is romantic, and you would love it here. Did you know that this place operates as a bed and breakfast? We should do a long weekend here. I am going to be social for a bit. I will text you soon. Behave Lester.

 

Sent

 

It made Phil happy to think of Dan in such a beautiful room. He deserved the peace and quiet at the end of each day. He knew that the social interaction would be good but thoroughly exhausting, leaving Dan with frayed nerves and a desperate need to retreat. He definitely wanted to go back as a couple for a long, romantic, weekend. Contrary to popular belief, they were an incredibly romantic couple. They were incredibly nostalgic, and they had many, many, traditions. They celebrated almost everything.

 

Phil hoped that the other guests were the kind of people who could be trusted with Dan’s request for privacy. It kind of bothered him that he didn’t know anyone but Hazel. Were they kind? Did they share Dan’s sense of humor, and if not, could they at least appreciate it? He just needed to know that his fiancé was comfortable. He learned best when he felt safe.

 

He had eaten far too many pancakes, and it made him sad that Dan was not there to tease him about it. It was a disgusting and glutenous thing to do, and it was no fun to make whale sounds alone.

 

Phil decided to finish his packing. He was looking forward to the flight, but for the sickening stress of customs. It had been a real source of anxiety ever since 2017, when Dan had to leave the country just to return. At least his parents would be with him, he thought.

 

It made him smile when he found the note. Phil immediately recognized Dan’s slanted handwriting and sighed fondly:

 

“If you are reading this, I miss you. Don’t forget the sun cream. I know that you’ve already promised me that you were on it, but I also know that you forget shit when you are distracted. See you on Friday. I will miss your body in bed tonight. Love you.”

 

Phil snorted at the drawing at the bottom of the note. It was a classic Dan drawing of two people laying in a double bed. The one on the right had been filled in with a red pencil, indicating that he had indeed forgotten his sun cream.

 

It was easy to miss his partner. The house felt empty and quiet despite the noise coming from the television and the low drone of the clothes dryer. Phil tried to imagine that Dan was simply downstairs in their bedroom or taking a bath. It almost worked for a while.

 

The note reminded him that Dan was indeed away from home and out of his reach. He sighed and folded the paper as he found it, tucking it away inside of his travel folder. He slipped it right between his boarding pass and the map of the rental property in Florida.

 

It felt strange not to pack his clothing alongside Dan’s. They always shared a case, and it made him smile to see their belongings together. Phil shrugged and opened the wardrobe, choosing a random t-shirt from Dan’s side. He tugged on the sleeve and let the hanger swing wildly as he rolled the Perfume Genius shirt into a sort of cylindrical wad and tucked it between his denim shorts and his obnoxious emoji sleep pants.

 

He knew that Dan was most likely with the group, trying his best to socialize despite the clawing desire to shut himself up in his room for the night. There was no rule against texting; in fact, Phil had every reason to believe that it may give his partner a boost.

 

Reply from Phil:

 

I found your note. It made me laugh and miss you at the same time. How is that possible?

 

Did you get pizza? I am never eating again.

 

Sent

 

Phil was surprised when a reply came instantly.

 

Reply from Dan:

 

I was just going to text you. The pizza was like a four, maybe a five. The sauce was too bitter, but the crust was just the way we like it: thin and crispy. I probably could have eaten more, but I wasn’t feeling it. I still have snacks in my room, so thanks for that.

 

I know we are city people, but this place makes me want to spend an entire holiday in the country. I actually feel like I might be able to get some writing done here.

 

Sent

 

The next thing that came through was a photo of the estate. It was a wide shot, taken from the front. The house had all of the old-English charm that they loved. It had two stories with a thatched roof, a brick face, and lots of white-paned windows. There was a beautifully-sculpted hedge beneath the first-story windows and ivy that grew upward from it’s flat top. The vines lined the door and hung over the threshold, reminding Phil of a string of mistletoe at Christmas. It was lovely indeed. He wondered which room belonged to Dan.

 

Reply from Phil:

 

That place looks amazing. I wish I were there with you. We definitely need to go back. Which room is yours?

 

Sent

 

Reply from Dan:

 

Mine faces the back. I am on the end, to the far right. There’s a courtyard and lots of trees. I probably have the best view. If you see any ghost faces, don’t tell me. Also, there is a guy here called Tom who has a partner at home. Apparently, they have been together even longer than we have, and they are trying to adopt a baby.

 

You’re lying about never eating again. You’ve probably started on the wafers haven’t you?

 

Sent

 

Reply from Phil:

 

I don’t see any ghost faces. It’s probably all poltergeist activity anyway.

 

Just kidding.

 

I know you will sleep with the light on no matter what. Check your case; I packed my Friends t-shirt for you. I know you have trouble sleeping away from home.

 

A baby? Do you feel like you can ask him questions? That’s so funny that we were literally just talking about that last week. Maybe it’s a sign?

 

I forgot that we had wafers! Thanks, Babe.

 

Sent

 

* * *

 

Dan excused himself just after nine. No one seemed to fault him for his early turn in, in fact, the man called Tom followed shortly thereafter, probably to call his partner.

 

It felt good to be behind the closed door at last. Dan needed to be alone for a bit. He walked to the windows that faced the courtyard and caught sight of some birds gathered at a feeder. He thought about Phil and how much he would love to see the birds. Unlike the greedy pigeons that fed at the feeder on their balcony at home, these finches moved with grace and precision. Dan thought about how much he wanted a garden of their own. He imagined Phil, equipped with binoculars, poised at the window with anticipation. He would undoubtedly report the birds’ activities, and name them all.

 

Suddenly, Dan missed Phil more than he had all evening long. His chest felt empty and there was an ache in his hands and arms. He pulled his phone from his pocket and rolled his thumb affectionately over his lock screen, which featured a photo of the two of them together at the seaside in the Isle of Man. Phil stood behind Dan with his arms wrapped around his middle, and the obnoxious faux fur that lined his hood nearly eclipsed his pink cheeks. Dan remembered the moment the photo was taken by Kathryn. He smiled fondly at the memory.

 

“Go ahead and give him a kiss on the cheek, Philip,” Kathryn teased. “It will be cute.”

 

Phil had, though the ridiculous hood made it nearly impossible to photograph. The three of them laughed, and the photo that Kathryn captured was the result of two failed attempts. Dan loved it. It reminded him that the best moments were those that had gone unplanned.

 

Reply from Dan:

 

I’m in my room. Can you Facetime?

 

Sent

 

Reply from Phil:

 

Are you? Yes, let’s do it.

 

Sent

 

Dan’s tummy felt fluttery with excitement, just like it always did when he was about to see Phil. He removed his shoes, leaving them in the center of the room, and worked at his jeans with his left hand while holding his phone with his right. He flopped back onto the bed while he waited for a connection.

 

“Dan! Hi, Babe,” Phil smiled and waved. The sight of him caused Dan to sigh. It felt so good to see his face and to hear his voice. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and his glasses. His hair had fallen flat, though Dan could see where his fiancé attempted to lift it with his fingers.

 

“Hey there,” Dan replied, smiling. “I miss you.” He pressed his lips together, and it surprised him to feel such longing already.

 

“I miss you too, Dan.” Phil appeared to be having the very same problem. He made the face that he often did when he was trying to hide emotion. Dan saw it most often in public, usually at meet and greets. “Bedtime is the worst, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah,” he agreed softly, his eyes falling downward to his lap. He was wearing black underwear, and he wondered who had worn them last, himself or Phil.

 

“Are you gonna give me a room tour?” Phil swiped at the delicate skin under his left eye. He smiled quickly, hoping to cover up the fact that he let a tear fall. If Dan did notice, he said nothing.

 

“Yeah, in a bit. Right now, I just want to see that you packed the sun cream.”

 

They both laughed.

 

“Fine. But if I lose you because I have to go back downstairs, it’s your fault.” Phil wasn’t even mildly irritated. He loved that Dan cared so much about protecting his skin and protecting him in general. He thought that it would surprise most people to know that Dan was unbelievably nurturing. He took pride in looking after others, especially Phil.

 

“How many wafers have you had?”

 

Phil giggled as he jogged down the stairs. “Umm, like four?”

 

Dan shook his head. “How do you even do that? There is no way you have any room in your stomach. You’re going to single-handedly ground that plane tomorrow because you will have exceeded the weight limit.” He snorted lightly and felt warm all over just for teasing his partner. It almost felt like he were there with him.

 

“Hey,” Phil feigned offense. “No, I won’t. If I ground the plane, it will be because I do something stupid in customs.” He laughed at himself, and Dan laughed too. There were far too many possibilities for embarrassment.

 

“That reminds me; you do have your passport, don’t you?”

 

“Yep,” Phil reached for the travel folder on top of his case. “Right here. You have yours?”

 

“Affirmative.” Dan replied without moving. He had been meticulous about checking for his passport ever since the summer that they left for America and he couldn’t locate it on their way to Heathrow. It had been the first of many disasters on that particular trip.  “It’s in my laptop bag. I checked before I went downstairs. You’ll be fine tomorrow. You have to be confident, Phil.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I’ll try.” Phil flipped the camera around to show Dan the contents of his suitcase. “There, see? SPF 100, right between the shampoo and my contact lens solution.”

 

Dan smiled. “Nice. Thanks, Babe. At least I won’t have to worry about you burning. Do you think you guys will go down to the pool before I get in on Friday?”

 

“Umm, I don’t know. It depends on the weather, I guess. The app still shows storms every day. Why?” Phil turned the camera back around on himself and sat on his side of the bed. The suitcase remained open at the foot. Dan could see its very edge.

 

“Because, taking the sun cream is only half of it, Babe. You have to actually remember to put in on. Ask your mum to get your back and shoulders.” Dan always did his hard-to-reach places, and Phil did his. They were a team, and between the two of them, no skin remained unprotected. It was a loving and incredibly intimate ritual. Dan wondered if it made his partner sad too.

 

“Or maybe I’ll just keep my shirt on,” Phil said, recoiling at the idea of anyone else’s hands on his body.

 

Suddenly, Dan sat forward. “Wait, Babe, check the upstairs bathroom; I thought I saw some of the spray kind last week.”

 

Phil smiled. “Oh yeah! We do have some left over from Brazil, don’t we? Good thinking, Dan. I’ll go get it now. You can come with me.” He giggled sweetly.

“Now tell me about your first day.”

 

Dan explained that the afternoon was mostly introductions and casual mingling; nothing had been forced or uncomfortable. He talked a bit about the man called Tom and how much he actually resembled Phil’s cousin, Mark.

 

“Some of the women are kind of obnoxious, but it’s nothing I can’t deal with.” Dan shrugged and settled back against the headboard of his bed. It reminded him that Phil wanted a room tour.  “Do you want to see the room now?”

 

Phil nodded eagerly and folded his legs beneath him. He reached for Dan’s pillow and held it in his lap as he watched Dan move the camera around the room.

 

The windows that faced the courtyard were indeed incredible. They were trimmed nicely and artfully etched. The drapery and wallpaper were a bit old-fashioned, but neither were a deal breaker; the room was lovely. Phil especially loved the dark, four-post canopy bed and its sleek cream-colored bedding. There was a chandelier overhead that was neither gaudy nor misplaced.

 

“I love the high ceilings,” Dan commented from behind the camera, panning upward. “They make me feel less like a giant.”

 

Phil laughed. He knew exactly what Dan meant.

 

“That bed is incredible,” Phil smiled. “Is it as comfortable as it is beautiful though? That’s the real question.”

 

Dan reversed the camera. “Dunno. I mean, I’ve only just sat on it, but I can tell its going to be good for my back.” He lay back and wigged a bit. “And if you’re wondering, yeah, it would be amazing.” Dan winked.

 

Phil smirked. “Am I that transparent?”

 

“Not so much transparent as predictable. I know my own partner, Phil. You want to know what it would be like to cuddle in this bed. I get it.” He winked.

 

They giggled, and for a moment, Dan ached. He needed Phil next to him. He needed to feel his warm body wrapped around him and his soft breath across his cheek.

 

“Babe?” Dan whispered.

 

“Yeah. Me too.” Phil replied softly. “Come with me while I get some lights.”

 

Phil knowing exactly what he needed without ever having to ask was the next best thing to actually having his partner beside him. It had been years since they had done this. What was once Skype into the early hours of the morning, was now FaceTime at an earlier hour. What was once two, young, new lovers trying desperately to stay connected despite the distance between them, was now two grown men in love trying to bridge the gap between days.

 

“No toast I suppose?” Dan asked as he folded a soft, white hand towel into thirds. He would use it to prop up his phone while he washed his face and brushed his teeth. He usually did these things with Phil beside him.

 

“I can’t even think about putting anything else in my mouth tonight,” Phil grumbled without thinking. Dan sputtered and shook his head.

 

“That sounded really bad, didn’t it? I didn’t even think about what I was saying!” Phil laughed, covering his mouth with both hands.

 

The sound of his partner’s laughter was comforting. It was the same sound that made his heart feel light and his body warm and tingly. It almost felt like he was in the room with him.

 

“You never do, Phil, Jesus.” Dan snorted softly. “And nothing in your mouth tonight? Well, that’s probably a good thing seeing as how I am here, and you are there.” It was nothing more than a playful poke. Teasing one another was part of their banter; there was no real implication of infidelity.

 

“You know me, Dan. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this.” Phil raised his brows and immediately rolled his eyes. “God, I miss you.”

 

Dan wondered when it would happen. It was only a matter of time before one of them turned serious. Funny, he thought, he really believed that it would be him.

 

“I miss you too.” Dan made a tight little smile. It was the kind he made when the tears were right behind his eyes and he could feel an uncomfortable thickness in his throat.

 

“No toast,” Phil repeated, returning the very same smile.

 

It was a nightly ritual for which Dan waited each and every evening. No matter what the couple had eaten, Phil would rub his belly somewhere around 11:00 pm and waver on a late-night snack.

 

“I could go for a piece of toast,” he would say, crossing his legs over top the coffee table. “Like a single piece, just a trace of butter.” He would flatten his left hand and make to swipe across it with his right. “I just want a little something. Doesn’t that sound good, Dan? I just want to sink my teeth into-“

 

“You want me to make you a piece of toast, Babe?” Dan would look up from his lap.

 

Phil would smile and nod. “Yes please!” He would giggle and rub Dan’s shoulders. “Thanks, Baby, you’re the best.” And Dan would pretend to be put out as he walked twelve feet to the kitchen. He would smile fondly as he dropped a carefully-selected piece of bread into the toaster and reach for a small plate. Every night was the same: Dan would look up and find Phil watching him with love and appreciation. They would catch each other and smile. Sometimes Dan would wink, and other times it could be Phil. It was something that had become a loving, nighttime ritual.

 

They worked in silence. Dan washed his face and brushed his teeth while Phil removed his contact lenses.

 

* * *

 

Phil knew that few people loved the way he did. He loved on a cellular level, or so it seemed. He couldn’t imagine his life without Dan. It caused him actual physical pain to be without him. He moved slowly toward the sofa that they often shared and sat down with a defeated sort of sigh.

 

He wondered, as he pulled the blanket up to his shoulders, if it was unhealthy to feel this kind of emptiness. He knew in his heart that Dan felt it too, though he was less likely to admit it tonight.

 

“Still with me, Babe?” Dan asked from the edge of his four-post bed.

 

“Yep, right here.” Phil smiled. He shifted the pillow under his head and adjusted the angle of his phone.

 

“I swear to God, if I hear tapping, footsteps, scratching … Phil, you’re gonna hear me scream.” Dan half giggled as he burrowed beneath the sheets.

 

Phil laughed. “You will probably hear footsteps, Dan, but don’t freak out. You’ve got neighbors, remember?”

 

Surprisingly, Dan had forgotten that it wasn’t just the two of them. Moving through his nighttime routine with Phil had him feeling calm and peaceful. Dan wondered if it was normal to miss someone this much. They only said their goodbyes this morning, and they would be reunited in Florida in three days. So why did he feel such a deep ache in his chest? It was the kind of pain that someone might describe as hollowness. It radiated down his arms and throbbed inside of his fingertips. The need to hold something, anything, was far to great to ignore. Dan reached for a pillow and wrapped his arms around it. He still felt empty, so he tried squeezing around it.

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded. He hoped that the more obnoxious guests had been assigned to rooms at the other end of the hall. “You’re really gonna sleep on the sofa?”

 

“I think so, yeah,” Phil turned on his side and set his phone on the coffee table, propping it up against the empty waffle box and a stack of unopened DVDs. He fumbled a bit, until he got the angle just right.

 

“Why? I mean, your back’s gonna hurt. You should get a good night’s sleep in our bed, Phil, especially if you are on a plane tomorrow. We paid good money for that mattress, you Turkey.”

 

Dan made excellent points, still, Phil couldn’t imagine sleeping in their bed alone. He thought it would feel like salt inside of a fresh cut.

 

“Nah, it’s fine. Besides, I’m too lazy to move now.” Phil chuckled. He pretended to be comfortable, forgetting that Dan could read him like a book.

 

“Whatever, you liar,” Dan grinned sadly. “But I get it. That is totally me when you are away, by the way.”

 

“I know,” Phil teased. He let his partner get away with the little white lie that he slept well in their bed to save him the embarrassment. There was nothing for which to be embarrassed of course. “Hey, Dan?”

 

“Yeah?” He pulled the fluffy doona around his head like a hood, but quickly pushed it away, batting it with his hands. Phil giggled, but Dan wanted it away from his face. It reminded him that he wasn’t home; it didn’t smell like them. It smelled of starch and some kind of generic laundry detergent.

 

“Do you think other people do this?”

 

Dan knew exactly what he meant. He had been wondering the same thing.

 

“Yeah, at least I hope so.” He made a sleepy smile, pressing his lips together in a long line.

 

Phil was quiet for a while. He understood that Dan wanted to believe that there were others. He had been so cynical at first, doubting that two people could be happy together, truly happy, and never mind the idea of forever. He wanted it to be true, though he had never witnessed it in his lifetime, at least not outside of a Hollywood film. There was a time in which he didn’t believe that he deserved it if it, in fact, exist.

 

“Everyone deserves this,” Dan once said as they lay half-naked in each other’s arms. “Everyone deserves to love like this and to be loved like this.” He had drifted off to sleep before Phil could agree. It was the kind of moment that stayed with Phil and was never far from his daily thoughts. He reached for it often, sometimes repeating it back to his partner. Dan always smiled.

 

“I hope so too,” Phil replied. “I was just wondering if it was normal, you know, to miss someone like this. You literally left this morning, and you are still in England, but I feel so empty without you.”

 

Dan thought he could see a blush come over his pale cheeks. Yes, he was definitely blushing. That tingly feeling spread through his body reminding him of the days in which telephone calls were the norm and personal visits were the exception. It was looking but not touching; it was seeing lips move but being unable to connect them.

 

“I was actually wondering the same thing,” Dan admitted, smiling. “And yes, I think it is normal for us. Every couple has their own normal, and this is ours.”

 

Phil smiled widely, showing Dan his teeth. He loved that they had their own normal.

 

“You’re right. I kind of love that. Our normal is missing each other before we even separate, and maybe there’s nothing wrong with that.”

 

Dan agreed immediately. They shared a happy, healthy, romantic relationship and friendship. They were highly compatible, and this only became truer as time went on.

 

“I think it would be weird if we _didn’t_ miss each other like this, to be honest, Babe.” Dan snuggled deeper into the covers, though he was careful to keep the sterile-smelling doona far away from his nose. Instead, he brought the stretched collar of Phil’s Friends t-shirt up over his face. Phil laughed when he could only see Dan’s eyes.

 

“Aww, you’re wearing it,” whined softly. “That’s so cute. I didn’t even notice before!”

 

“Smells like you,” Dan mumbled through the material. “Smells like home.”

 

Phil was thankful that he was still surrounded by their things in their home. Tomorrow would be an entirely different story; he would be in North America, relying on Dan’s Perfume Genius t-shirt the very same way.

 

“You know, I think that we have a very unique problem,” Phil began. “Ten years, Dan. We have been together for _ten years_ , and we are just as in love now as we were then, more so, actually. That doesn’t happen. Do you see the way people talk about us? I know how you feel about all of the speculation, but Dan, they’re right. They see what we can’t possibly hide. I am totally in love with you, and I am a mess when you’re not here with me. It’s not even that we are dependent on each other; we just love being together. There is a difference. And the more I think about it, the more I am okay with the way I feel right now.”

 

Dan just grinned. He pulled his knees up to his chest beneath the covers and crossed his ankles. He felt so happy and warm all over, despite being in bed alone. He no longer _felt_ alone; Phil was with him in every way that mattered. In three days, they would come together again, and they would not take a single moment for granted.

 

In the meantime, they would go about their business, checking in often and sending texts just to make the other laugh. What was once the rule, was now the exception. The pain of separation would be short lived. There was no shame in loving this way, none at all.

 


End file.
